Advice for the grieving parents*

1- Know that somehow you will survive.
2- Know that you are not alone.
3- Allow for numbness.
4- Try not to forget that your spouse and your surviving children are also grieving.
5- Keep in mind that grief does not proceed in orderly, predictable stages.
6- Wear a symbol of mourning.
7- Use the name of your child.
8- Be prepared for the enormous effort it will take to have a normal, mundane conversation.
9- Cry.
10- It is common to feel the presence of your child.
11- Prepare to answer the question "how many children do you have?"
12- Plan ahead for what you are going to do in difficult days such as the birthday of your child and the aniversary of the death.
13- Let go of destructive myths about grief and mourning such as "I need to be strong and carry on", "I need to get a hold on myself", "I need to get over my grief", "my child wouldn't want me to be sad".
14- Go easy on people who stay stupid things such as "at least you had her as long as you did", "you can always have another child", "you'll grow so much stronger because of this", "I know how you feel", "it is God's will".
15- Don't ever expect the pain to ever fully go away.

*Em "Phantom Limb" (Jay Rosenblatt, 2005)